Ham’s Journal

Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. Alot of things have happen along the months. One of my oldest best friends QCA got married (i was the best man), i went for a holiday in melbourne with my godsis and my long time neighbour. I became a godfather to another best friend’s SH’s son. My godson’s name is Julius. I travelled to Terrenganu and Kulim to attend another best friend’s wedding. I again was the best man.

Work has been well ‘interesting’ to be politically correct. I want to move on but yet i am not allowed to. Am I in a comfort zone? or is it all about bad luck and lousy timing? need to do some soul searching.

Some ol friends whom i hung out with a few weeks ago told me “some get married as they are scared to grow old alone”. i wonder.

something in my mind just blew up i think as i have become an insomniac once again. its pretty scary. I can just tune out and not know what goes by me. Alchohol is my solace.

Met some nice ppl this year and last year. Came back from overseas last year to realize things have moved on and acceptance is the best way in the 5 steps of bliss. (I think)
End of last year - started with a dare and just when you think there might be something, either i give up too easily or well i rarely think of the alternative.
Earlier this year - well lets just say confusing time.
Joe reminded me of that line from that james bond movie “… am i too smart? no u r too single…” LOL… those close to me will understand what this line means in my life. HAHAHAHAHA

Being an MC has its perks. Was travelling quite alot, having lotsa of fun (the type my bros what i am famous for) and well just running away from this island for awhile.

Work - well i am focus on it but yet i feel there is something i am destined to do but yet cant figure out what it is.

Alot of close people to me had a tough year at the beginning of this year. That woke me up abit. Sometimes life is not all a bed of roses. I want to be there for them. I am there for them.

Another attached ‘one’ came into my life. Again.. i am suprise how fast things happens. Nevertheless, the truth is something which is hard to come out from my mouth.

Deciced to get a new car for myself and the family. Elder bro wants to meet up with my grandma as he has not seen her for awhile after she broke her leg. Have saved up and decided “what the heck” and plus i fell in love with the new 8865 as soon as i saw her. I am going to miss 1296 alot though. My dad thought me alot of things with that car. Most of my memories and growing up years was with that car. Again those close to me would understand “footsteps on the windscreen” etc etc.

I dont think it was the car. I think i miss dad. well.. its after all 1.44am right now and do forgive me for being abit sentimental.

Damn happy that Spain won the Euro2008 and am rooting for Federer to win wimbeldon.

Somehow this blog entry of mind not structured or organized at all but i remember a scene from “finding forrester’ staring Sean Connery, a good writer is one which just types and let what is on his/her mind to flow.

I guess i am trying that right now. I feel numb. I smile but yet i think i am not happy. I am sad yet there is no tear. Confused i am but yet focus every morning i am. I know my priorites. There is this fear of the uncertainty of the future. Carefree as i am… i guess no one would understand why i just cant be like everyone else. Would anyone ever understand that my bro will be with me forever? the truth scares ppl but it doesnt scare me. Its a promise i made on a deathbed and promises made at such scenes must be carried till the grave.

Do i fear anything else? i fear heights and closed areas but i do not fear death i think. i fear letting ppl down i think. You cant please everyone. I am starting (or from my perspective) to be quite ruthless.
This thoughts in my insomniac mind is all so oxymoron and contradicts each thought i have.

You have to be brave, you have to take chances. For me, any decision i make will inadvertedly affect another individual. I strive to be the best as i need to be. More so for my brother.

What i feel? well i love being carefree. but currently i feel like dissapearing.I think i will. i just dont feel well i feel very very numb. Its quite tiring. Adaptation is a skill but its making me very lethargic. When u think who you are and you search within and outside and yet you do not know, it gets quite worrying and yet i make myself not to worry. Its just too time consuming.

Where do i want to be now? lol - i miss Aus, i miss US but i would really love to be on a beach and having a malibu drink.

I am quite keen on the political scene. Heck maybe one day i would be the chief minister of this state. I am always a person who believe you must stand up for your idealogy and be brave to share it with other people. It doesnt have to be right and wrong but at least be brave to explore it and respect it. I follow international politics as well.. you should be in my home as my family ‘argues’ about US, UK and World Politics. Its a like a mini CNN forum in my living room.

I would love to go for a holiday now. LOL… a bit tight on the $$$ though after the holidays i have had and the travelling i have done. Extremely happy for my bros who have gotten married. Ita beginning of a new journey to a new destination. Looking forward to being a superb godfather.

Oh yeah i was hospitalized this year as well. Hmmmmmmm i think the insomniac part of me seems to be taking its toll on my body. Torn knee ligament + multiple back injuries are just not right for someone my age.

At one time of the year i did feel abit isolated by my colleagues and peers. I felt like a scapegoat. And personally i cant blame any part of this scenario. As i have been thought its a dog eat dog world. Neverthelss, i firmly believe i have a heart of gold and i really feel that i have met really great friends at work and though i might find it hard to express and be ruthless at work - i think that shouldnt be used against me. i do miss those drinking sessions. or maybe i didnt adapt as well. Well no use to worry about it.

shoulder hurts abit now. Must be another sprained muscle. i miss music. I think about my days of playing the piano. what do i want to do now? maybe be a writer? my thoughts are a like a drunkard tonite.. all over and yet there is something i would like to say.

I am quite a secretive person and dont tell anyone anything.. yet i really want to tell you alot of things. i find it easy to tell you stuff. i look forward to our chats. rare as it may be.. i somehow can say what i want to say.

well there is no EPL right now. damn cant watch my fav football team.

Looking forward to meet up with QCA, CK, Gene and KK at SH’s hse next week. havent seen my godson in awhile.

hey i havent seen the gals in my life for awhile. Linz, LY, Fr and Bcky. When is the next merdeka trip?

EP and SL have been great keeping me company this past few weeks. i dont usually resort to alchohol this much. There is always a reason. But thanks for the company.

And bros AP, JO, EP and SL. It was freakishly great to perform on stage with you all.
Well the Beijing Olympics is around the corner. Oh yeah my dream job to be be a Soccer Commentator and Analyst. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

well i think i have blogged enuff for tonite. After all i cant really ‘vomitt’ all my thoughts squeezed into my mind the last few months and since the trip to US. Thats quite alot but hopefull my next blog would be better and at least more organized.

Ok going to watch some black and white movies now or maybe just catch up on my series of “FRIENDS”

see ya. and adios.

“… if you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything…” Mark Twain.

(the entry above is the truth so maybe by not remembering anything, i might be able to sleep. hahahaha)

PS: young as one maybe, unattainable but yet do remember that a smile and a voice might just change everything.

You will never walk alone…. - ham -

This entry was posted on Wednesday, July 2nd, 2008 at 11:10 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.