Ham’s Journal

2.00am April 17th 2007

Its been awhile since i didnt blog and somehow i always feel better after i do.

I am down with the flu & fever. Gawd i hate this weather. Or maybe its just me not taking good care of myself. Had alot of stuff to do at home as well today. When i went to the clinic, the doc said its been awhile and i went like "Aint that a good thing doc" We laughed about it and all and i was more worried that he was going to poison me with medication as he is a hardcore Chelsea fan and I am a well as u all die hard scouser. We laughed about the poisoing and all as well. He was happy to see me and i was happy to catch up with him.

I watched this really good movie today while in bed… Serendipity staring John Cusak & Kate Beckinsale. Its a really a nice one but very very hollywood ending. You just have to realize that real life is not all that.

Was away in Langkawi and KL for the past few days. Very very rushed trips. Came back to celebrate one of my best friend’s bday. It was fun but i think like i said with all the work piling up and the rushed trips and the weather.. (plus well i cant really sleep well), everything thrown in the mix is actually taking a toll on my body.

An old friend just called me just now at 1.30am. He was in a dilemma about how to move on after having his girlfriend kinda ‘cheat’ on him. My only words of advice… -think about it carefully and ensure that your next step of action ensures your happiness. Easier said that done i know but after talking to him and all.. yeah life goes on but i just wonder… what is this world coming to?

I watched another movie just now.. the one staring Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyniness" and there is one thing i agree with him… "NEVER EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR DREAMS" It was also a good movie. WHen you never give up… everything seems to fall into place.

I have never give up but yet why do i feel there is a certain void of unanswered questions floating at the back of my head. A sense of dissatisfaction which makes me wonder am i doing what am i suppose to be doing? I have a very strong sense of loyalty & responsibility which has kept me around for a long time but then again… i want to know what the outside world is like. This morning was the 1st time in a very looooooong time where i felt that i couldnt push myself when i got out of bed. I have been sick b3fore but i have always pushed myself. I kinda lost that drive this morning. Why? I can tell you why… a mixture of hopefull happiness mixed with a sense of numb uncertainity.

Happy go lucky i am… but yet i fear one thing right now. The one very thingy i swore not to become after so many years. After a long while… i manage to sleep recently (ok in truth i manage to sleep on sat night = a combination of alchohol + my mind and thoughts were finally at ease) i was able to dream again.. i was able to think of the future and wake up with a biggie smile on my face. Sigh… how was when one wakes up and faces reality.

The pass 2 days my ignorance has made me happy but that means it is false joy. Izzit wrong to be happy? izzit wrong to dare to hope? I dont think so. I am still as fun and happy go lucky as ever… i juz dont like the feeling of uncertaintity. I hate trying to forgett my problems and act as if nothing ever happened. But then again… the past few days (until monday that is) have made me very happy. Yet i dunno what is the reason… and then monday came and then poofed reality sunk in.

There is this another movie ‘Stranger than Ficition’ it is interesting but yet it hit an interesting mindful thought. What if everything we do life "the monotonous actions, the boredom, the repeated tasks, the conforming to social pressures etc etc are the things which keep us alive?" is that true? I hope not… but sometimes you do wonder. We all have responsibilities, we all have committments, not all of us can just pack up and leave and start a new. Sometimes somethings once they happen leave such a deep huge painfull impression that you just wonder and hope for a sign.. any sign to tell you that everything is going to be ok.

I am sorry if whatever i typed above didnt make sense. I am just typing whatever which comes to my head right now or whatever which has been on my head the past few days.

I would like to wish 2 females a very happy bday. 1 last Friday… u know who you are… may your wishes come true.. and one today … u know who you are as well.. may your dreams in UK come true as well. Always remember NEVER EVER be afraid to go for your dreams.

If i was in your shoes… i would do the very same thing.

You know… its ok to be hurt. For like the saying goes… "You can only know what is sweet until you have tasted what is bitter" and the same goes… "You can know what hurt is for only those whom you love can hurt you"

I felt hurt when my dad passed away… i miss him really alot coz i know i really loved him.

and so it goes on… when you feel hurt.. it is sometimes a good thing for then you will also realize what is love.

Heck i have always been a very very positive person and in times of such i guess i know how to look through the grey and shadowed areas to share with you that yes.. we might never know whats going to happen next.. but we can always hope.. and i tell you hoping is a strong weapone for only then can we see the light through our darkest hourts. Someone told me recently, or shared with me… "we can only see the stars clearly when the moment is the darkest" i didnt understant it at 1st but now i do. and i agree.

i am not saying that i know all the answers now… but after writing all my thoughts down on this blog… i can share with you something… i feel a whole lot better. ‘Serendipity’? - we all hope for the hollywood ending… we continue to hope.. there is nothing wrong with that. ‘In the Persuit of Happyness’? - DONT EVER GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS!!! ‘Stranger then Fiction’ ? - There are things in life which happen and might seem really wierd to you or juz make life seem all so mundane, then again… until we actually reach the end of life.. DONT EVER GIVE UP ON IT!!!

Your sincerely

Ham

This entry was posted on Monday, April 16th, 2007 at 11:25 am and is filed under Uncategorized. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can skip to the end and leave a response. Pinging is currently not allowed.