Ham’s Journal

19th April 2007 12.37am

Its good to be back at work. Its april… and i juz realized that drey’s xmas present is still lying in front of me. Hahahaha… how forgetfull can i be? My back’s still hurting me but is that going to stop me from playing badminton and soccer. No way. I thrive to be competitive once again.

One of my bestest female friends who goes by the nick of ‘morning glory’ who recently just got married shared with me this remark a few hours ago.

"We’ve got to learn how to let what is not meant to be ours. Seeing happiness in the eyes of our loved ones are more joyful then facing it"

Thanks "Morning Glory" for those words of wisdom.

You know i watched this movie last night starting John Cusack and Diane Lane (errrrr i kinda think Diane Lane looks really hot.. dont you all agree?) errr damn my insomniac drunkard mind with my ever fast dying brain cells fail me right now. Anyhow i watched in astro last night.. and its a nice one. Not so hollywood ending but an interesting thought about how life tends to be filled with suprises.

I thought instead of drinking me carlsberg tonight, i will resort to a book called "for one more day" by Mitch Albon. I hear that Mitch’s books are really good. I will update you more about it once I am done.

Ok lets head on to my philisophical side. Hmmm it draws a slight blur right now. Oh yeah… i am starting to have this weird thingy that work and friendship bonds can be quite greyed. Its that we must always be professional in our work and not take anything for granted. Be very mindful that people at work can have a whole different mindset when they deal with you, work with you and see you in a very different perspective. Dont ever mix the both of them up. I am not saying they cant be friends.. but we must know how to differentiate the both to ensure that we do not comprise one for the other.

Its getting late and i feel i need to rest abit. Will update more about my thoughts in the days to come.

Regards

Ham

2.00am April 17th 2007

Its been awhile since i didnt blog and somehow i always feel better after i do.

I am down with the flu & fever. Gawd i hate this weather. Or maybe its just me not taking good care of myself. Had alot of stuff to do at home as well today. When i went to the clinic, the doc said its been awhile and i went like "Aint that a good thing doc" We laughed about it and all and i was more worried that he was going to poison me with medication as he is a hardcore Chelsea fan and I am a well as u all die hard scouser. We laughed about the poisoing and all as well. He was happy to see me and i was happy to catch up with him.

I watched this really good movie today while in bed… Serendipity staring John Cusak & Kate Beckinsale. Its a really a nice one but very very hollywood ending. You just have to realize that real life is not all that.

Was away in Langkawi and KL for the past few days. Very very rushed trips. Came back to celebrate one of my best friend’s bday. It was fun but i think like i said with all the work piling up and the rushed trips and the weather.. (plus well i cant really sleep well), everything thrown in the mix is actually taking a toll on my body.

An old friend just called me just now at 1.30am. He was in a dilemma about how to move on after having his girlfriend kinda ‘cheat’ on him. My only words of advice… -think about it carefully and ensure that your next step of action ensures your happiness. Easier said that done i know but after talking to him and all.. yeah life goes on but i just wonder… what is this world coming to?

I watched another movie just now.. the one staring Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyniness" and there is one thing i agree with him… "NEVER EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR DREAMS" It was also a good movie. WHen you never give up… everything seems to fall into place.

I have never give up but yet why do i feel there is a certain void of unanswered questions floating at the back of my head. A sense of dissatisfaction which makes me wonder am i doing what am i suppose to be doing? I have a very strong sense of loyalty & responsibility which has kept me around for a long time but then again… i want to know what the outside world is like. This morning was the 1st time in a very looooooong time where i felt that i couldnt push myself when i got out of bed. I have been sick b3fore but i have always pushed myself. I kinda lost that drive this morning. Why? I can tell you why… a mixture of hopefull happiness mixed with a sense of numb uncertainity.

Happy go lucky i am… but yet i fear one thing right now. The one very thingy i swore not to become after so many years. After a long while… i manage to sleep recently (ok in truth i manage to sleep on sat night = a combination of alchohol + my mind and thoughts were finally at ease) i was able to dream again.. i was able to think of the future and wake up with a biggie smile on my face. Sigh… how was when one wakes up and faces reality.

The pass 2 days my ignorance has made me happy but that means it is false joy. Izzit wrong to be happy? izzit wrong to dare to hope? I dont think so. I am still as fun and happy go lucky as ever… i juz dont like the feeling of uncertaintity. I hate trying to forgett my problems and act as if nothing ever happened. But then again… the past few days (until monday that is) have made me very happy. Yet i dunno what is the reason… and then monday came and then poofed reality sunk in.

There is this another movie ‘Stranger than Ficition’ it is interesting but yet it hit an interesting mindful thought. What if everything we do life "the monotonous actions, the boredom, the repeated tasks, the conforming to social pressures etc etc are the things which keep us alive?" is that true? I hope not… but sometimes you do wonder. We all have responsibilities, we all have committments, not all of us can just pack up and leave and start a new. Sometimes somethings once they happen leave such a deep huge painfull impression that you just wonder and hope for a sign.. any sign to tell you that everything is going to be ok.

I am sorry if whatever i typed above didnt make sense. I am just typing whatever which comes to my head right now or whatever which has been on my head the past few days.

I would like to wish 2 females a very happy bday. 1 last Friday… u know who you are… may your wishes come true.. and one today … u know who you are as well.. may your dreams in UK come true as well. Always remember NEVER EVER be afraid to go for your dreams.

If i was in your shoes… i would do the very same thing.

You know… its ok to be hurt. For like the saying goes… "You can only know what is sweet until you have tasted what is bitter" and the same goes… "You can know what hurt is for only those whom you love can hurt you"

I felt hurt when my dad passed away… i miss him really alot coz i know i really loved him.

and so it goes on… when you feel hurt.. it is sometimes a good thing for then you will also realize what is love.

Heck i have always been a very very positive person and in times of such i guess i know how to look through the grey and shadowed areas to share with you that yes.. we might never know whats going to happen next.. but we can always hope.. and i tell you hoping is a strong weapone for only then can we see the light through our darkest hourts. Someone told me recently, or shared with me… "we can only see the stars clearly when the moment is the darkest" i didnt understant it at 1st but now i do. and i agree.

i am not saying that i know all the answers now… but after writing all my thoughts down on this blog… i can share with you something… i feel a whole lot better. ‘Serendipity’? - we all hope for the hollywood ending… we continue to hope.. there is nothing wrong with that. ‘In the Persuit of Happyness’? - DONT EVER GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS!!! ‘Stranger then Fiction’ ? - There are things in life which happen and might seem really wierd to you or juz make life seem all so mundane, then again… until we actually reach the end of life.. DONT EVER GIVE UP ON IT!!!

Your sincerely

Ham

Monday April 9th 10.10pm. Another day just passed and as i hang out with my godsis tonight… i go through the many pictures of us growing up together. The smiles, the laughter, the sad times & the memories. I see the pics of my dad, how much fun he & I had. Lol… they were definetely great. My bro next to santa clause like 10 years back. The smile on his face = no worries and such care free youth feelings.

I sit back and read the many things on the internet and i observe the many things on the internet and i realize the world has changed but the memories which stays with us will never change.

As one good friend of mine plans to partake on her next journey out of this country, another friend contemplates why the mountiful job problems worry her every night. I have another friend who is about to take the next step of matrimony (the time when you say I do to your beloved wife/husband) and another who will never forget his roots but is venturing into the unknown to learn about the wonderfull experiences of new work places. And with so many people around us doing so many different things, yet we somehow or another keep on intertwine with one another with the same frequency. Its like we never left each other and we never will. My godsis summed it all the best "we might leave each other, we might go onto greener pastures but somehow or another we always come back.. we always do. Though we had gone through many bittersweet memories, we always come back"
why you wonder? i tell you why…. its because everything always has a beginning… and we were there for each other at the beginning.. and so we will also be there for another at the end.

I wonder how can one individual, one action can affect so many other people and have such a terrible chain reaction. Well… you only think its terrible if you let it affect you. Be truthfull to your thoughts… be truthfull to you heart. We were young once… but we will never be young forever. Live life like there is no tomorrow but always remember that if you can look back with no regrets… then you would have lived life to the fullest.

Why do wars start? why do arguments happen? Its because 2 ppl or even 3-4 ppl cannot see eye to eye.

Do not over impose yourself. Its time to give in… its time to take a step back. Most importantly, what is most important is that we do not allow people to suffer. Someone told me today that every action we take to hurt ourselves only works indirectly to hurt people who love you as well. I believe her. There are people out there who love you, care about you. Think about them. Your father, your mother, your loved ones… they might not show, they might show it differently but trust me when you hurt, they hurt as well. We must stop being selfish and wake up. We must realize that when we rejoice, people rejoice with us as well. Why waste time in the negative sides of life? Indulge yourself in happiness for if it was me, i would want to die with a big smile on my face and not a big frown. Let other people worry, i am going to just indulge myself in bliss and joy. I am going to be contagious and smile. Maybe i am being overly melodramatic but hey i think back and i seem to start to forget the bad times and for now… i can only remember the GOOD memories and that is what is most important to me right now

April 8th 11.09pm

I am sitting here at starbucks drinking fruit juices and having an ol chat with my ‘factor’ bro. As usual giving him the usual jibe about arsenal loosing to West Ham while the MIGHTY REDs post another victory to cruise pass Reading. To all MU fans… they lost as well. A very very good weekend. Hahahahaha. Anyway just gloating abit because of my football team.

Hey… i have been down in the dumps for abit. Cant really pinpoint the reason but hey a man’s gotta stand up and take notice that the world aint going to wait for anyone and thats what i am going to do. There are bound to be ‘people’ out there who will all they can to hurt you, to bring you down and to just do anything to ensure that your life is miserable. You know what… i am ok with that. The world is not the same place which is used to be 10 years back. Do i blame this type of people? dont think so… like i always believe every individual has every given right to make their own decisions and i will respect them for this. But the biggest gifts we humans we given as our birth right was the gift of choice and i choose to be happy. I choose to make sure that no matter what the circumstances, i will smile and i will strive to make the world a better place. "To err is human & to forgive is divine" but what am i am suppose to forigve about? Nothing actually. We all make decisions which will ensure that our paths of destiny will be written in the future and currently i personally feel that i have to prioritize what are the important things in my life.

I look up from where i sit here at Starbucks right now and i see a cute female smiling back and i return the effort as well. My bro next to me just emphasizes the fact that "sh*t happens" but there are alot of other beautiful things in life which are just waiting for us. I too believe that. I lost the positivity outlook i had in the last 2-3 weeks. Tonight i gather my strength during this Easter Celebration and with renewed faith i know that I am back to my best.

Remember my good friends… time & tide wait for no man.. and even though there are some of us who might have missed the ‘1st bus’ there is bound to be another ‘2nd or 3rd bus’ coming along soon enough. and to those who doubt this.. dont worry. the ‘bus’ might never come but this does not mean that we have to wallow in self pity. Heck… thank your lucky stars. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side. Only those who know me very well who read what i have written will understand what i mean.. and to those who dont understand.. get to know me better.. i am an open book ready to be read.

A few words of advice.

1) Always know what you want and stand up to grab your dreams and make sure nobody takes it away from you.

2) Do NOT ever lie to a friend. Friends do NOT hurt each other.. friends do NOT lie to each other and most importantly FRIENDS are there for you in your worst moments of your life. I thank GOD for the friends in my life for we as friends always motivate each other, pick each other up and most importantly enjoy in each other’s success.

3) Have faith, have hope and always always realize that the sun will always rise the next day. If you asked me if i died the very next min, would i be contented? The answer is a bittersweet yes/no. Why? because i am happy to know that I have always stood up to be counted. I have always known that i am NOT a quitter and i will continue to proof that to myself. but then again have i reached the pinnacle of my life. No. The world is out there to be conquered and Ham is ready to take up the challenge.

4) RESPECT. Respect your family & friends and most importantly dont be a sly hound which goes about squirming your way through people’s life. I am not making this personal but believe me Karma can be quite an ass-kicker. What goes around comes around.

Ok enough with my preaching ways. I leave you with this famous quote "What doesnt kill you… only makes you stronger" and trust me when you are stronger… nothing… and i mean it nothing will ever stand in your way.

PS: Happy Easter… and one quarter of the year has come and gone. Lets make the rest 3/4 of the year a memorable one.

April 2nd 10.44pm

Currently drunk… currently blur. Did you know that sometimes something which you have dreamt your whole life, hoped your whole life, and worked your whole life can be taken away in 3 days of madness & and totally on the spur of the moment. I have been thinking on my characther of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde and the evil side has just resurfaced for a few moments of madness.

Remember a few weeks ago, i mentioned about loyalty and sacrfices. It is all worth it? I spoke to an ol fren this afternoon and he has emphasized how i have lived up to my full potential that he was so proud of me. I was ashamed to tell him that i have let him down, i have let my friends down, i have let my family down. I have allowed emotions to overcome logic. and now do i regret it? maybe abit… maybe not at all?

Anyhow… some of you would in the next few days know that I am moving on and leaving. I have given up something for something else. Lets just say i hope another dream comes true after i have given up on another dream. I can only hope. i can only pray.

-We hope, we wish, we pray but whether anytime becomes a reality, we will never know …. Annymous"