Ham’s Journal

March 26th 2007 2.29pm

Life for me lately has been superbly hectic. Schedules and timelines seem to be occupying my time quite alot. I kinda regret that I am missing one of my collegues’ wedding. It is indeed a special event… after all to most of us… weddings should only come once in a lifetime.

I have been asked how do i survive being an insomniac… well to tell u honestly i just occupy myself. A loooooong time ago my dad used to teach me that saying ‘no time’ was just one of the biggest excuses a human being gives. I have learnt along the years that yes, that is an indeed a big excuse. We have 24 hours in a day, 7 days a week and with proper time management & prioritization skills, we should be able to do anything ( i am still learning how to do it.. but i will try my very best never to use that excuse)

Met up with an old friend last night. Heck its good to have a good laugh as we walked down memory lane. We have all grown up and we have all different futures in front of us but nevertheless we never forget our roots… and that to me is what is most important. Its quite suprising that when I am suppose to meet up with another old friend, she couldnt do so because her companion didnt allow it.(i am not sure of the exact reasons but us being adults and all, trust & faith should be the core of all conversations and not arguments and jealousy… i know easier said that done but still we must at least try) Well I respect all decisions but I find it suprising that we are still living our lives being controlled by other individuals. Live free and let us not be a slave (mentally or physcially) to another person.

"Clothes new are best… friends old are best" You could say that we should always meet new ppl and yes i agree we should but always remember this… a true friend is an individual who is there for you through good times and bad times as well.

Hmmmmmmm that reminds me of what is said during weddings… "I take this woman/man to be my lawfully wedded wife/husband through good times and bad times"… so if indeed we tie both phrases together… your husband/wife should be your best friend as well. I sometimes am confused when some friends of mine have told me that they cant share all secrets or their innermost thought with their loved for the fear that someday that information might be used against them. Hmmm.. i am a very secretive person myself but i do share my thoughts & feelings with closed ones. To me… the person you are going to spend the rest of your life with should be your best friend as well. Sometimes in life your must learn to trust. Trust.. that seems to be the word i am using alot in this blog writting of mine.

Someone has asked me whether I am capable of hate. I am not… i cant hate… its not part & parcell of my principles. Funny thing is that sometimes people see things differently. I might act differently nowadays.. but thats because i have retreated to a safe place within myself. Like i said… i want to escape the numbness… being an insomniac and being numb all at once is no fun at all. Plus… you cant hate ppl you love.

"…The best thing in life is to love & be loved in return - George Sand.."

19th March 2007 10.31pm

This is not my orginal entry but it was thoughts shared with me from another good friend… a good friend who always looked out for me… sometimes the greatest things in life are right in front of you and you just never know.

Lessons Learned

What I have learned, but not all that I have learned. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t compare yourself to the best others can do, but to the best you can do. I’ve learned that it’s not what happens to people that’s important. It’s what they do about it. I’ve learned that you can do something in an instant that will give you a heartache for life.

I’ve learned that it’s taking me a long time to become the person I want to be. I’ve learned that it’s a lot easier to react than it is to think. I’ve learned that you should always leave loved ones with loving words. It may be the last time you see them. I’ve learned that you can keep going long after you think you can’t. I’ve learned that we are responsible for what we do, no matter how we feel. I’ve learned that either you control your attitude or it controls you. I’ve learned that sometimes I just need to be held. I’ve learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion eases and there had better be something else to take its place.

I’ve learned that learning to forgive takes practice. I’ve learned that there are people who love you dearly, but just don’t know how to show it. I’ve learned that money is a lousy way of keeping score. I’ve learned that my best friend and I can do anything or nothing and have the best time. I’ve learned that sometimes the people you expect to kick you when you’re down will be the ones to help you get back up. I’ve learned that sometimes when I’m angry I have the right to be angry, but that doesn’t give me the right to be cruel.

I’ve learned that true friendship continues to grow, even over the longest distance. Same goes for true love. I’ve learned that just because someone doesn’t love you the way you want them to doesn’t mean they don’t love you with all they have. I’ve learned that no matter how much I care, some people just don’t care back. I’ve learned that maturity has more to do with what types of experiences you’ve had and what you’ve learned from them and less to do with how many birthdays your’ve celebrated. I’ve learned that no matter how good a friend someone is, they’re going to hurt you every once in a while and you must forgive them for that. I’ve learned that it isn’t always enough to be forgiven by others. Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I’ve learned that no matter how bad your heart is broken the world doesn’t stop for your grief. I’ve learned that our background and circumstances may have influenced who we are, but we are responsible for who we become. I’ve learned that sometimes when my friends fight, I’m forced to choose sides even when I don’t want to. I’ve learned that just because two people argue, it doesn’t mean they don’t love each other. And just because they don’t argue, it doesn’t mean they do. I’ve learned that sometimes you have to put the individual ahead of their actions. I’ve learned that it takes years to build up trust, and only seconds to destroy it. I’ve learned that we don’t have to change friends if we understand that friends change. I’ve learned that if you don’t want to forget something, stick it in your underwear drawer. I’ve learned that you shouldn’t be so eager to find out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I’ve learned that the clothes I like best are the ones with the most holes in them. I’ve learned that it’s not what you have in your life, but who you have in your life that counts. I’ve learned that two people can look at the exact same thing and see something totally different. I’ve learned that you can not make someone love you. All you can do is to be someone who can be loved. The rest is up to them. I’ve learned that no matter how you try to protect your children, they will eventually get hurt and you will in the process. I’ve learned that many things can be powered by the mind, the trick is self-control.

I’ve learned that there are many ways of falling and staying in love. I’ve learned that no matter the consequences, those who are honest with themselves, get farther in life. I’ve learned that no matter how many friends you have, if you are their pillar, you will feel lonely and lost at the times you need them most. I’ve learned that your life can be changed in a matter of hours by people who don’t even know you. I’ve learned that even when you think you have no more to give, when a friend cries out to you, you will find the strenght to help. I’ve learned that writing, as well as talking, can ease emotional pains. I’ve learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon. I’ve learned that although the word "love" can have many different meanings, it loses value when overly used.

“…I’ve learned that it’s hard to determine where to draw the line between being nice and not hurting people’s feelings and standing up for what you believe. If you think something (someone) is worth it, don’t let anything stop you. What we have in life are our hopes, our dreams, our aspirations. Don’t let anyone take it from you… now that’s a dreadful sin…- anonymous-…”

Regards

Hamlin

19th March 2007 12.36am:-

Just got back home… just finished half of my Godpa’s Chivas bottle on my own. Its been a happy day. Didnt sleep last night after i came back home. Heck i cant sleep. Was just reading books until around 7.30am and then went to Kerachut with some of my colleagues. It was fun & rejuvenating. It took my mind off things. I might be slow at first but as I went along… it got better and as always i felt more & more energized as the hike went on. Thats always been me a slow starter but I will always end with a "BANG"

It was quite tiring but it was worth it. Got to know my colleagues better and I am sure with what we have shared, i will go back to the office and promise myself to be a better team leader.

Lotsa of things are going to happen in the next month but I am starting to see the support come in.

Came back home… spent some time with my family, spent most of the time in my room. Couldnt sleep but instead went through all stuff & articles, old reports and anything readable.

I have a thousand & one things on my mind right now and i want to say it out but i cant. Princples I have… and i have to be mindfull of other people’s feelings. Why must I be such a nice guy? Its the way i was brought up to be i guess. There are a million & one things i want to share with people. But its all stuck in my head.

I want to tell you so many things… but do you want to hear, do you want to listen?

I put on my mask for the evening, show my happy go lucky face and be the entertainer i was born to be. Cant tell anyone how i really feel. Its really becoming tiring. Its nobody’s fault… but i really need to know how can i stop this numb feeling. I was an alcholic… i dread to turn down that road once again but when i started to sip just now… i started to feel good, i started to have the feeling that this numbness was going away. STOP! i cant go back to whom i used to be. STOP! i made a solemn oath not to be that person again.

I put down the drink, put on a brave smile and go back to my bedroom. I still cant sleep. I pumped myself up and with my positive thinking tell myself the sun will rise tomorrow.

By reading this blog, you might think i am down, sad and really depressed. No i am not. I just feel numb. I feel a sense of emptiness. Why? I really dunno? thats the answer i seek to find.

I have been fixing myself up for the last 4 years( yes 4 years… its been a very very looooong time) and i was on the verge of being ready… and then a sudden twist of fate has something else planned for me. I keep on telling myself not to been sunk into that disease of self pity.

I am really feeling a supreme oxymoron feeling. A total Jekyll & Hyde mindset. I am so fulllllll of confidence and i keep on spuring myself, pushing myself knowing very well i am destined for great things. Then comes a side of me which fears a sense of emptiness. Why cant i share this confidence and aspirations? I share… but there is something missing? Are this thoughts & feelings normal?

Well… i push on. I will keep on pushing on! I am Ham… and I will do what i must. I am still on a learning curve. I just need a sign to tell me that all i do is worth it. All i push myself to do is for a greater good. Fates are written in the stars but destiny is in our own hands.

"Its not the destination which is important, its the journey you take which makes you who you are today - Annonymous"

I want to stop feeling this numbness…

18th March 1.47am

I dont think i have blogged that much in my life. But I have so much thoughts on my mind that i am starting to wonder how could a brain like mine be on overdrive. Yes, i do suffer from insomnia. It was something which happened a few years back and somehow or another it just didnt seem to go away. I envy those who can sleep. Its not to say i cant sleep.. its just that i need very little of it. Why i ask myself? A few years back it was because I had all the worries in the world on my mind. And as the years have come & gone, i started to mature, grow up and realize that every individual have problems( i use to blame the whole world instead of looking within myself first) and knew that i couldnt do much if i worry so i just use my time to the maximum capability which I had.

Dont get me wrong… i do get tired (heck i am so physically drained right now and emotionally dead) but over the years I have built a resistance physically (I can get well very fast… all i need is rest) and mentally( happy go lucky and never ever regret on any decision and be always headstrong to push myself for excellence).

Why do i blog? its because i dont share my thoughts easily. I cant express my feelings easily. I gel into society very easily but I always have many masks and I adapt to situations with ease but I just want to be myself as well. Pretending to be something you are not can be very tiring as well and I just want to take a step back and be myself.

You know a song… The Tony Rich Project- Nobody Knows… well i kinda think that song depicts how i feel right now. Nobody knows how i feel. I am not blaming the world. I am not blaming myself. I am just stating the fact that I am human and i too have feelings. I am not down… i just very very very hollow & numb. Why? I dont understand? Sometimes… the greatest moments in your life never last forever(i just wish you could have last longer) but you never regret for the decisions you make.

As I sit back and read a book every night and drink my carlsberg(yes alchohol does ease the insomnia), i think of the future. I have many aspirations. I have dreams. I have hopes. When someone walks out of your life… you do not loose this. To me i will continue to have them. The numb feeling arises is that I rarely share my aspirations, dreams & hopes. I am quiet. I am very to myself. I miss sharing this. Thats the feelings which makes me numb. The sense of loneliness that will anybody every understand how i act the way i act. I am Ham… carefree and always wanting to push myself to the limits but i am human as well.. and deep inside sentimental and also having the dream of sharing my innermost thoughts with someone. I did. i think i did. i hope i did. Fear i have that it might be used against me. Faith I have that it will spur me on to greater heights. I do wish i dont feel hollow anymore. I do wish that i am not an insomniac anymore. Xmas was GREAT! but like i said great things dont last forever.

-Cherish the moments, remember the happiness, for you never know if it could be taken away from you - annonymous-

14th March 2007 - 6.32pm

Dear all, i am still at work and am busy preparing some important documents for a trip i am to make next month. Never really realized travelling could be so complicated.

Anyhow whats on my mind? Well i have had some of the most fluctuating moments of emotions in the past 1 week. I have been so tired and "lost" that my only refuge was to get away in seclusion and gather my thoughts and also seek confidence in God.

I had my moment when i told myself that I would rather have the sacrifice of a heartache in exchange for success in acknowledgement for a long journey which began a year ago which required alot of sleepless nights and pain and sweat. I was granted that success and it felt soooooooo good (at this exact same time last year, i was sooooooo dissapointed for being a failure) and the sheer joy of knowing that I didnt give up last year and instead work harder paid off. You must taste bitterness to know what is sweet.

Nevertheless, there is a lingering feeling of loneliness at the back of my mind. It feels abit hollow when you are unable to share your success. I am very sure that my family (especially my dad) & my closest of friends are elated and proud of me for not giving up and striving to prove to the rest of the world that I was destined for greatness. But what is glory when you are alone in the depths of your mind & soul hoping that certain individuals might remember you and express that they too are happy with you.

I am proud of myself and I will continue to work hard & strive on for the sky is the limit. But with a heavy heart, i do have a small wish that someone.. someone out there might realize that I might have wanted more… but even the very least that person might have given would have been the world to me.

Lets hope that time will heal all wounds.. and that for all its worth i take it with a pinch of salt and move on. We dont dwell on sadness. We move on, we build ourselves up and we tell ourselves that we never know what the future holds. It MIGHT NOT happen now… but who is to say it will not happen in future. I will live on… i will ensure that i do not rest on my laurels. But do remember, there will always be a special place in my heart for the many moments of happiness certains individuals have brought to my life. "…I would rather have you in my life as a friend then to know that our brief moments of happiness is just a memory and to not have you in my life at all, let us build on to ensure that we do not forget but instead hope that time will solve all confusion - Annonymous…"

Regards

Ham

8.29pm March1st 2007

Wow… 2 months of the year have come & gone. What has happenend in this 2 months? I dont even know how to put it in a chronoligical state of events.

My body is pushing myself to strive for excellennce right now. My mind wants to give up. I am forcing myself to contemplate what should give in? Being an insomniac, your mind is like a ticking time bomb. You seem to keep on having thought after thought after thought.

I think i need a short holiday. Am I being demanding? I know what needs to be done? But since the day i was born, i have this embedded stubborness about me which might lead me to glory or bring me to my doom? Gawd… i sound so melodramatic right now.

Cant wait for the weekend. Tomorrow night is a reunion of sorts. Guys i grew up with. Friendship who has passed the test of times.

Am I old? i dont think so. Do i worry too much? Only of late. Time flies by very very fast. Friends getting married. Friends inviting me for weddings. And if you know me well enough, you would know how happy go lucky i am. How i pride myself with ‘no strings attached’ and how carefree to not condone to social pressures. But to those who know me even better, you would know how sentimental I am and how much of a soft heart i have. Arent this 2 sides of myself a jekyll & hyde syndrome. 2 exactly opposite sides living in one entity. Is that possible? Well i am the living proof of it.

Looking forward to Sat where Liverpool meet MU. Heck.. whoever wins.. at least I am going to get to watch a decent game of footy.

Sunday should be Chap Goh Meh Right? Well I would like to wish all a Happy Chap Goh Mei. Phew.. now i understand why ppl blog. When you type out how ya you are feeling.. it does make you feel better to a certain degree.

I live you with my quote for today… sometimes in life you wonder if you have been forgetten? Can i live being a shadow? or am i am the type of person who loves the limelight?