Ham’s Journal

Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. Alot of things have happen along the months. One of my oldest best friends QCA got married (i was the best man), i went for a holiday in melbourne with my godsis and my long time neighbour. I became a godfather to another best friend’s SH’s son. My godson’s name is Julius. I travelled to Terrenganu and Kulim to attend another best friend’s wedding. I again was the best man.

Work has been well ‘interesting’ to be politically correct. I want to move on but yet i am not allowed to. Am I in a comfort zone? or is it all about bad luck and lousy timing? need to do some soul searching.

Some ol friends whom i hung out with a few weeks ago told me “some get married as they are scared to grow old alone”. i wonder.

something in my mind just blew up i think as i have become an insomniac once again. its pretty scary. I can just tune out and not know what goes by me. Alchohol is my solace.

Met some nice ppl this year and last year. Came back from overseas last year to realize things have moved on and acceptance is the best way in the 5 steps of bliss. (I think)
End of last year - started with a dare and just when you think there might be something, either i give up too easily or well i rarely think of the alternative.
Earlier this year - well lets just say confusing time.
Joe reminded me of that line from that james bond movie “… am i too smart? no u r too single…” LOL… those close to me will understand what this line means in my life. HAHAHAHAHA

Being an MC has its perks. Was travelling quite alot, having lotsa of fun (the type my bros what i am famous for) and well just running away from this island for awhile.

Work - well i am focus on it but yet i feel there is something i am destined to do but yet cant figure out what it is.

Alot of close people to me had a tough year at the beginning of this year. That woke me up abit. Sometimes life is not all a bed of roses. I want to be there for them. I am there for them.

Another attached ‘one’ came into my life. Again.. i am suprise how fast things happens. Nevertheless, the truth is something which is hard to come out from my mouth.

Deciced to get a new car for myself and the family. Elder bro wants to meet up with my grandma as he has not seen her for awhile after she broke her leg. Have saved up and decided “what the heck” and plus i fell in love with the new 8865 as soon as i saw her. I am going to miss 1296 alot though. My dad thought me alot of things with that car. Most of my memories and growing up years was with that car. Again those close to me would understand “footsteps on the windscreen” etc etc.

I dont think it was the car. I think i miss dad. well.. its after all 1.44am right now and do forgive me for being abit sentimental.

Damn happy that Spain won the Euro2008 and am rooting for Federer to win wimbeldon.

Somehow this blog entry of mind not structured or organized at all but i remember a scene from “finding forrester’ staring Sean Connery, a good writer is one which just types and let what is on his/her mind to flow.

I guess i am trying that right now. I feel numb. I smile but yet i think i am not happy. I am sad yet there is no tear. Confused i am but yet focus every morning i am. I know my priorites. There is this fear of the uncertainty of the future. Carefree as i am… i guess no one would understand why i just cant be like everyone else. Would anyone ever understand that my bro will be with me forever? the truth scares ppl but it doesnt scare me. Its a promise i made on a deathbed and promises made at such scenes must be carried till the grave.

Do i fear anything else? i fear heights and closed areas but i do not fear death i think. i fear letting ppl down i think. You cant please everyone. I am starting (or from my perspective) to be quite ruthless.
This thoughts in my insomniac mind is all so oxymoron and contradicts each thought i have.

You have to be brave, you have to take chances. For me, any decision i make will inadvertedly affect another individual. I strive to be the best as i need to be. More so for my brother.

What i feel? well i love being carefree. but currently i feel like dissapearing.I think i will. i just dont feel well i feel very very numb. Its quite tiring. Adaptation is a skill but its making me very lethargic. When u think who you are and you search within and outside and yet you do not know, it gets quite worrying and yet i make myself not to worry. Its just too time consuming.

Where do i want to be now? lol - i miss Aus, i miss US but i would really love to be on a beach and having a malibu drink.

I am quite keen on the political scene. Heck maybe one day i would be the chief minister of this state. I am always a person who believe you must stand up for your idealogy and be brave to share it with other people. It doesnt have to be right and wrong but at least be brave to explore it and respect it. I follow international politics as well.. you should be in my home as my family ‘argues’ about US, UK and World Politics. Its a like a mini CNN forum in my living room.

I would love to go for a holiday now. LOL… a bit tight on the $$$ though after the holidays i have had and the travelling i have done. Extremely happy for my bros who have gotten married. Ita beginning of a new journey to a new destination. Looking forward to being a superb godfather.

Oh yeah i was hospitalized this year as well. Hmmmmmmm i think the insomniac part of me seems to be taking its toll on my body. Torn knee ligament + multiple back injuries are just not right for someone my age.

At one time of the year i did feel abit isolated by my colleagues and peers. I felt like a scapegoat. And personally i cant blame any part of this scenario. As i have been thought its a dog eat dog world. Neverthelss, i firmly believe i have a heart of gold and i really feel that i have met really great friends at work and though i might find it hard to express and be ruthless at work - i think that shouldnt be used against me. i do miss those drinking sessions. or maybe i didnt adapt as well. Well no use to worry about it.

shoulder hurts abit now. Must be another sprained muscle. i miss music. I think about my days of playing the piano. what do i want to do now? maybe be a writer? my thoughts are a like a drunkard tonite.. all over and yet there is something i would like to say.

I am quite a secretive person and dont tell anyone anything.. yet i really want to tell you alot of things. i find it easy to tell you stuff. i look forward to our chats. rare as it may be.. i somehow can say what i want to say.

well there is no EPL right now. damn cant watch my fav football team.

Looking forward to meet up with QCA, CK, Gene and KK at SH’s hse next week. havent seen my godson in awhile.

hey i havent seen the gals in my life for awhile. Linz, LY, Fr and Bcky. When is the next merdeka trip?

EP and SL have been great keeping me company this past few weeks. i dont usually resort to alchohol this much. There is always a reason. But thanks for the company.

And bros AP, JO, EP and SL. It was freakishly great to perform on stage with you all.
Well the Beijing Olympics is around the corner. Oh yeah my dream job to be be a Soccer Commentator and Analyst. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

well i think i have blogged enuff for tonite. After all i cant really ‘vomitt’ all my thoughts squeezed into my mind the last few months and since the trip to US. Thats quite alot but hopefull my next blog would be better and at least more organized.

Ok going to watch some black and white movies now or maybe just catch up on my series of “FRIENDS”

see ya. and adios.

“… if you tell the truth, you dont have to remember anything…” Mark Twain.

(the entry above is the truth so maybe by not remembering anything, i might be able to sleep. hahahaha)

PS: young as one maybe, unattainable but yet do remember that a smile and a voice might just change everything.

You will never walk alone…. - ham -

Sunday 30^th March 2008 4.31pm.
Its been quite awhile since i last blogged. My last entry was on 10^th July 2007. Wow how the months have gone by and so many things have changed since then. I have had my fair share of highs and lows. I will try to sum up as much as possible in today’s entry.

July – August – I was in in Japan + USA + plus great Merdeka Celebrations.
Sept – Legend always stated that it would be a full month of enjoyment and it was indeed. Had a great bday as well.
Oct – Slowing down and focusing on work related stuff
Nov – Was quite a slow month but still there were a few ‘interesting’ women in my life by then. Manage to move on with life. Ham was back by now plus the engagement of one of my bros.
Dec – Xmas is always the best time of the year. Thank GOD this year i stayed injury free and really had a blast with my friends

Jan 2008 – Well GOD was kind, let me enjoyed Xmas but i ended up in hosp with a massive back injury after the New Year.
Feb 2008 – Taking life slow and steady to avoid a back operation. Earn abit $$$ from Chinese New Year gambling. Langkawi + Pangkor was cool as well.
March 2008 – Been emceeing and traveling around Malaysia for events for quite a fair bit. Another bro ‘bites the dust’ by getting married but heck it was a fantastic month. More events and seminars around Malaysia. Oh and not to forget my active campaigning during the Malaysian Elections. Those were 2 weeks of pure hectic moments and political awareness growing.

Ok that kinda sums up my past few months. Might have missed out a few things but i will update as it goes along.

I woke up today with a big smile on my face( and to my dearest bros and sistas.. not becoz of the reasons u r thinking) Juz one of those days when u feel like starting a afresh and anew.

At work, I have had my fair share of highs and lows right now and everything is oh so political and “dog eat dog” where even friends at the work place seems be chewing your guts right in front of you. But hey, as i always believe, put your faith in God and live life with the most sincere of intentions and whatever people say are just going to be bygones and gone with the wind. As my dad has always thought me “… you can never please everyone…”. I might not be the most straightforward of individuals always preferring to sugar coat sentences and find a win-win situation in all work actions but hey i can firmly say i have a heart of gold with no hidden agendas. Maybe thats why i never worry too much. Good luck to the rest.

At home, i have no complaints. Have a family would always love me forever. Enuff said. God bless them and though at times i feel i let them down even though i am not the “man of the house”… they have never abandoned me and always make me feel special.

Now comes my closest of friends who even mom considers them as her adopted sons and daughters. Thats why i can call them brothers and sistas. I have said this before and i reiterate once again… you know who are you true friends when they stick by you through your darkest hours and when you know they can put up with even though you are such an idiot and yet they still love you.

Now what did want to blog about today… well Liverpool still rules though my heart is still broken because they lost to MU. To my fellow scousers, you know what i mean. Nevermind, we will lift our 6^th European cup in Moscow.

Ok now i remember what i wanted to write. Today’s blog is dedicated to my brother- Hamish.

Spent the whole of today with him and we caught up on a lot of things and you know what, to all those out there who think their life sux and always complain and who are just plain ignorant, spend a day with my bro. Maybe you might not see it, but hey if my bro can have a smile every single second of his life and be able to give anybody who is in his presence the same time of feeling… then touche.. my brother is right. Life is just too short and if you want to spend it killing people and turning your back on humanity, then all the best. I on the other hand will never trade today’s afternoon for anything else. Simple + direct.

I share with you this youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=flRvsO8m_KI&feature=related

To those who are close with me, you will understand why i recommend you to watch it.

My life is going to change in the next few months, operations, work changes and heavy decisions which will alter the course of my life. But hey… i take it one day at a time.

My dog is in the house today cause the rest of the family is out doing something today. Lassie better not mess the house up. She is bound to be killed by mom if she did.

I am planning to renovate my home… anyone has any recommendations for a good contractor?

My quote for today for my today’s blog is as follows-

“…When humor goes, there goes civilization. Erma Bombeck…”

12.39am 11th July 2007

Good Morning all. How have you all been? I have recently watched 2 movies and suprisingly despite the not so good reviews, i thoroughly enjoyed both Die Hard 4(well becoz i had great company, you know who you are) and Transformers(its a guy thingy i guess as i felt a rush of adrenaline all over my body everytime i heard Optimus Prime’s voice) Wouldnt mind watching either of them again. Well maybe more on Transformers just to see Megan Fox i think WOW. Finally some popcorn eye candy which is really worth it.

Now back to my thoughts. Hey i just realized I havent been blogging in awhile. Been really busy with alot of stuff of late. Have so many things on mind which i would just love to type but just havent had the time. I still remember a long time ago when I promised my dad that i would never use the excuse of ‘no time’ to procastinate but as I get older, i am starting to realize that indeed there is only 24 hours in a day. I use to be an insomniac (at times i still am) but i am starting to really enjoy my sleep. For only when you close your eyes are you able to dream and hope. And only great human beings make those dreams realized.

I hung with 3 of my old bestest buddies 2nite, you see their faces on my main pic nowadays. CK, SH and CA. Heck.. we sat down in a kopitiam and juz can never stop talking about great positive stuff. If you are ever ever feeling miserable and had a terrible day in the office… i would like to invite you to our conversations as trust me, they are a breath of fresh to rejuvenate any individual. Well if not that, just laugh at us as we remember the craziest things we have done. 2 from our group of 4 are now married and another is going to be next year. That just leaves me. Well i definetely win the $$$ for being the last to tie the knot.

You know sometimes in life when a certain old memory is about to dissapear from your mind and suddenly it reappears with the most beautiful of smiles… i would like thank this individual for remembering me (or so i think) ***Wishing Star**** how have you been?  Thanks for the smile. Sometimes a smile can really make anyone feel fantastic.

Hey Paula & Mickey (you know who you are) when are we going to go about our master plan which we have been talking?

To my lost long bros in KL and KULIM respectively, hey!!! its time we go on our road trip. Hope to hear from you soon before the premiership starts.

I was watching an old movie called "the Man in the Iron Mask" staring Leonard Di Caprio, Jeremy Irons etc etc. Its a really good movie. I have watched it numerous times like 5-6 years back but i didnt mind watching it again. That scene where the 5 of them charge the French Army still lives on my memory and will always give me the wow feeling.

PS: ***wishing star*** how r things?

Ok guys and gals.. time for me to call it a nite.. and to my best budddy Marilynn who is galavanting in UK right now.. whatzzup babe? my phone bill my skyrocket after that last phone call but heck it was worth it. Miss you. No one to cover my back like you always do.

Good nite all and a lil famous quote i would like to share…

12.20am 14th June 2007.

"Time To Remember What is Good in Life"

Its been quite awhile since I last wrote my last blog entry. Life has been very complex and interesting for me in the last few months. Ever since March 10th, i have been on the high of enjoyment right till the depth of sorrows but yet i know this is part and parcell of life.

In one fatefull week i had the greatest pinnacles of joys all in front of me, and it felt fantastic and in one single moment as i sat there in my car on a Friday night.. everything to me then was taken away from my mindset. To me at that time, when i realized that reality in life can be very painful, when people can just take you for granted and just do the painful things in front of your eyes without any care in the world. WOW!!! it blows your mind away and then i started to realize, sometimes we as individuals just ’see’ what we want to see. and sometimes we as individuals can just be so impulsive and act on moments of emotions at the spur of the moment. I went through a sudden spiral of events which i am neither proud of nor can i say i would like to remember. Stupidity clouded my judgement… and for what? Sometimes certain sacrifices in life might not just be worth it if they are not appreciated.

Ok thats the past, we cant change the past but we can learn from our mistakes and look forward to the future.

Sometimes you believe what you want to believe and any given time of your life, there is bound to be moments when you feel that the world is against you.

Recently one of my Bestest Friends- A Brother got married and during the whole marriage weekend, it made me believe even stronger than TRUE FRIENDS STICK BY YOU NO MATTER WHAT!!! Trust me when I state that for i firmly believe that. The whole group of us OLD BEST FRIENDS had a ball, a great time, a fantastic weekend and a picture moment to last for all eternity. I wouldnt have missed that weekend for the world.

Currently, deep down inside i am feeling very very sick. I have not been this physically unwell in a very long time but yet i push myself along and live life on the edge. I need to prove to myself and those who doubt me that I am worth something in this lifetime.

I have the confidence to do it. I have the mindset and skillset to do it. ALL I HAVE TO DO IS BELIEVE THAT NOW IS ONLY A SLIGHT A BLIP!. for the future which is tomorrow will hold something new and I know and have faith that something better will come about.

It feels good to write all of this.. but now i sincerely feel that we should live life happy. There are bound to be people out there who wont care about us, who wont even turn back to say ello (ever since March 10th) but then again.. there are bound to be your family and bestest of friends who will always believe in you no matter what. Forget the ignorant no-gooders. Spend and focus your energy on your family and trusted friends. Positiveness grows, negativeness from entities who want to put you down, who forget you and who have NO TIME for you can be forgetten. Its time.. its time for the Ham to Bounce Back once again

As in the motto of my fav club, YOU WILL NEVER WALK ALONE.

PS : btw, i am one of the few who thinks that Pirates 3 is better then Shrek 3 i think. and to all footy fans out there… its going to be a loooong 3 months till August until EPL starts again.

PSS : My back hurts like krazy once again… old injuries just wont go away.

Good nite and i leave you with this quote..

" The Brightest of Stars will ONLY SHINE in the Darkest of Moments"

so trust me.. when the time comes when you feel is the darkest and everything seems dim and gloom, that is the opportunity to shine and rise up to the highest mountain top.

PSS : sometimes.. its good to forget the old pains and the rememberance of moments which hurt.

Good nite from Ham

19th April 2007 12.37am

Its good to be back at work. Its april… and i juz realized that drey’s xmas present is still lying in front of me. Hahahaha… how forgetfull can i be? My back’s still hurting me but is that going to stop me from playing badminton and soccer. No way. I thrive to be competitive once again.

One of my bestest female friends who goes by the nick of ‘morning glory’ who recently just got married shared with me this remark a few hours ago.

"We’ve got to learn how to let what is not meant to be ours. Seeing happiness in the eyes of our loved ones are more joyful then facing it"

Thanks "Morning Glory" for those words of wisdom.

You know i watched this movie last night starting John Cusack and Diane Lane (errrrr i kinda think Diane Lane looks really hot.. dont you all agree?) errr damn my insomniac drunkard mind with my ever fast dying brain cells fail me right now. Anyhow i watched in astro last night.. and its a nice one. Not so hollywood ending but an interesting thought about how life tends to be filled with suprises.

I thought instead of drinking me carlsberg tonight, i will resort to a book called "for one more day" by Mitch Albon. I hear that Mitch’s books are really good. I will update you more about it once I am done.

Ok lets head on to my philisophical side. Hmmm it draws a slight blur right now. Oh yeah… i am starting to have this weird thingy that work and friendship bonds can be quite greyed. Its that we must always be professional in our work and not take anything for granted. Be very mindful that people at work can have a whole different mindset when they deal with you, work with you and see you in a very different perspective. Dont ever mix the both of them up. I am not saying they cant be friends.. but we must know how to differentiate the both to ensure that we do not comprise one for the other.

Its getting late and i feel i need to rest abit. Will update more about my thoughts in the days to come.

Regards

Ham

2.00am April 17th 2007

Its been awhile since i didnt blog and somehow i always feel better after i do.

I am down with the flu & fever. Gawd i hate this weather. Or maybe its just me not taking good care of myself. Had alot of stuff to do at home as well today. When i went to the clinic, the doc said its been awhile and i went like "Aint that a good thing doc" We laughed about it and all and i was more worried that he was going to poison me with medication as he is a hardcore Chelsea fan and I am a well as u all die hard scouser. We laughed about the poisoing and all as well. He was happy to see me and i was happy to catch up with him.

I watched this really good movie today while in bed… Serendipity staring John Cusak & Kate Beckinsale. Its a really a nice one but very very hollywood ending. You just have to realize that real life is not all that.

Was away in Langkawi and KL for the past few days. Very very rushed trips. Came back to celebrate one of my best friend’s bday. It was fun but i think like i said with all the work piling up and the rushed trips and the weather.. (plus well i cant really sleep well), everything thrown in the mix is actually taking a toll on my body.

An old friend just called me just now at 1.30am. He was in a dilemma about how to move on after having his girlfriend kinda ‘cheat’ on him. My only words of advice… -think about it carefully and ensure that your next step of action ensures your happiness. Easier said that done i know but after talking to him and all.. yeah life goes on but i just wonder… what is this world coming to?

I watched another movie just now.. the one staring Will Smith "Pursuit of Happyniness" and there is one thing i agree with him… "NEVER EVER ALLOW ANYONE TO TAKE AWAY YOUR DREAMS" It was also a good movie. WHen you never give up… everything seems to fall into place.

I have never give up but yet why do i feel there is a certain void of unanswered questions floating at the back of my head. A sense of dissatisfaction which makes me wonder am i doing what am i suppose to be doing? I have a very strong sense of loyalty & responsibility which has kept me around for a long time but then again… i want to know what the outside world is like. This morning was the 1st time in a very looooooong time where i felt that i couldnt push myself when i got out of bed. I have been sick b3fore but i have always pushed myself. I kinda lost that drive this morning. Why? I can tell you why… a mixture of hopefull happiness mixed with a sense of numb uncertainity.

Happy go lucky i am… but yet i fear one thing right now. The one very thingy i swore not to become after so many years. After a long while… i manage to sleep recently (ok in truth i manage to sleep on sat night = a combination of alchohol + my mind and thoughts were finally at ease) i was able to dream again.. i was able to think of the future and wake up with a biggie smile on my face. Sigh… how was when one wakes up and faces reality.

The pass 2 days my ignorance has made me happy but that means it is false joy. Izzit wrong to be happy? izzit wrong to dare to hope? I dont think so. I am still as fun and happy go lucky as ever… i juz dont like the feeling of uncertaintity. I hate trying to forgett my problems and act as if nothing ever happened. But then again… the past few days (until monday that is) have made me very happy. Yet i dunno what is the reason… and then monday came and then poofed reality sunk in.

There is this another movie ‘Stranger than Ficition’ it is interesting but yet it hit an interesting mindful thought. What if everything we do life "the monotonous actions, the boredom, the repeated tasks, the conforming to social pressures etc etc are the things which keep us alive?" is that true? I hope not… but sometimes you do wonder. We all have responsibilities, we all have committments, not all of us can just pack up and leave and start a new. Sometimes somethings once they happen leave such a deep huge painfull impression that you just wonder and hope for a sign.. any sign to tell you that everything is going to be ok.

I am sorry if whatever i typed above didnt make sense. I am just typing whatever which comes to my head right now or whatever which has been on my head the past few days.

I would like to wish 2 females a very happy bday. 1 last Friday… u know who you are… may your wishes come true.. and one today … u know who you are as well.. may your dreams in UK come true as well. Always remember NEVER EVER be afraid to go for your dreams.

If i was in your shoes… i would do the very same thing.

You know… its ok to be hurt. For like the saying goes… "You can only know what is sweet until you have tasted what is bitter" and the same goes… "You can know what hurt is for only those whom you love can hurt you"

I felt hurt when my dad passed away… i miss him really alot coz i know i really loved him.

and so it goes on… when you feel hurt.. it is sometimes a good thing for then you will also realize what is love.

Heck i have always been a very very positive person and in times of such i guess i know how to look through the grey and shadowed areas to share with you that yes.. we might never know whats going to happen next.. but we can always hope.. and i tell you hoping is a strong weapone for only then can we see the light through our darkest hourts. Someone told me recently, or shared with me… "we can only see the stars clearly when the moment is the darkest" i didnt understant it at 1st but now i do. and i agree.

i am not saying that i know all the answers now… but after writing all my thoughts down on this blog… i can share with you something… i feel a whole lot better. ‘Serendipity’? - we all hope for the hollywood ending… we continue to hope.. there is nothing wrong with that. ‘In the Persuit of Happyness’? - DONT EVER GIVE UP YOUR DREAMS!!! ‘Stranger then Fiction’ ? - There are things in life which happen and might seem really wierd to you or juz make life seem all so mundane, then again… until we actually reach the end of life.. DONT EVER GIVE UP ON IT!!!

Your sincerely

Ham

Monday April 9th 10.10pm. Another day just passed and as i hang out with my godsis tonight… i go through the many pictures of us growing up together. The smiles, the laughter, the sad times & the memories. I see the pics of my dad, how much fun he & I had. Lol… they were definetely great. My bro next to santa clause like 10 years back. The smile on his face = no worries and such care free youth feelings.

I sit back and read the many things on the internet and i observe the many things on the internet and i realize the world has changed but the memories which stays with us will never change.

As one good friend of mine plans to partake on her next journey out of this country, another friend contemplates why the mountiful job problems worry her every night. I have another friend who is about to take the next step of matrimony (the time when you say I do to your beloved wife/husband) and another who will never forget his roots but is venturing into the unknown to learn about the wonderfull experiences of new work places. And with so many people around us doing so many different things, yet we somehow or another keep on intertwine with one another with the same frequency. Its like we never left each other and we never will. My godsis summed it all the best "we might leave each other, we might go onto greener pastures but somehow or another we always come back.. we always do. Though we had gone through many bittersweet memories, we always come back"
why you wonder? i tell you why…. its because everything always has a beginning… and we were there for each other at the beginning.. and so we will also be there for another at the end.

I wonder how can one individual, one action can affect so many other people and have such a terrible chain reaction. Well… you only think its terrible if you let it affect you. Be truthfull to your thoughts… be truthfull to you heart. We were young once… but we will never be young forever. Live life like there is no tomorrow but always remember that if you can look back with no regrets… then you would have lived life to the fullest.

Why do wars start? why do arguments happen? Its because 2 ppl or even 3-4 ppl cannot see eye to eye.

Do not over impose yourself. Its time to give in… its time to take a step back. Most importantly, what is most important is that we do not allow people to suffer. Someone told me today that every action we take to hurt ourselves only works indirectly to hurt people who love you as well. I believe her. There are people out there who love you, care about you. Think about them. Your father, your mother, your loved ones… they might not show, they might show it differently but trust me when you hurt, they hurt as well. We must stop being selfish and wake up. We must realize that when we rejoice, people rejoice with us as well. Why waste time in the negative sides of life? Indulge yourself in happiness for if it was me, i would want to die with a big smile on my face and not a big frown. Let other people worry, i am going to just indulge myself in bliss and joy. I am going to be contagious and smile. Maybe i am being overly melodramatic but hey i think back and i seem to start to forget the bad times and for now… i can only remember the GOOD memories and that is what is most important to me right now

April 8th 11.09pm

I am sitting here at starbucks drinking fruit juices and having an ol chat with my ‘factor’ bro. As usual giving him the usual jibe about arsenal loosing to West Ham while the MIGHTY REDs post another victory to cruise pass Reading. To all MU fans… they lost as well. A very very good weekend. Hahahahaha. Anyway just gloating abit because of my football team.

Hey… i have been down in the dumps for abit. Cant really pinpoint the reason but hey a man’s gotta stand up and take notice that the world aint going to wait for anyone and thats what i am going to do. There are bound to be ‘people’ out there who will all they can to hurt you, to bring you down and to just do anything to ensure that your life is miserable. You know what… i am ok with that. The world is not the same place which is used to be 10 years back. Do i blame this type of people? dont think so… like i always believe every individual has every given right to make their own decisions and i will respect them for this. But the biggest gifts we humans we given as our birth right was the gift of choice and i choose to be happy. I choose to make sure that no matter what the circumstances, i will smile and i will strive to make the world a better place. "To err is human & to forgive is divine" but what am i am suppose to forigve about? Nothing actually. We all make decisions which will ensure that our paths of destiny will be written in the future and currently i personally feel that i have to prioritize what are the important things in my life.

I look up from where i sit here at Starbucks right now and i see a cute female smiling back and i return the effort as well. My bro next to me just emphasizes the fact that "sh*t happens" but there are alot of other beautiful things in life which are just waiting for us. I too believe that. I lost the positivity outlook i had in the last 2-3 weeks. Tonight i gather my strength during this Easter Celebration and with renewed faith i know that I am back to my best.

Remember my good friends… time & tide wait for no man.. and even though there are some of us who might have missed the ‘1st bus’ there is bound to be another ‘2nd or 3rd bus’ coming along soon enough. and to those who doubt this.. dont worry. the ‘bus’ might never come but this does not mean that we have to wallow in self pity. Heck… thank your lucky stars. The grass is NEVER greener on the other side. Only those who know me very well who read what i have written will understand what i mean.. and to those who dont understand.. get to know me better.. i am an open book ready to be read.

A few words of advice.

1) Always know what you want and stand up to grab your dreams and make sure nobody takes it away from you.

2) Do NOT ever lie to a friend. Friends do NOT hurt each other.. friends do NOT lie to each other and most importantly FRIENDS are there for you in your worst moments of your life. I thank GOD for the friends in my life for we as friends always motivate each other, pick each other up and most importantly enjoy in each other’s success.

3) Have faith, have hope and always always realize that the sun will always rise the next day. If you asked me if i died the very next min, would i be contented? The answer is a bittersweet yes/no. Why? because i am happy to know that I have always stood up to be counted. I have always known that i am NOT a quitter and i will continue to proof that to myself. but then again have i reached the pinnacle of my life. No. The world is out there to be conquered and Ham is ready to take up the challenge.

4) RESPECT. Respect your family & friends and most importantly dont be a sly hound which goes about squirming your way through people’s life. I am not making this personal but believe me Karma can be quite an ass-kicker. What goes around comes around.

Ok enough with my preaching ways. I leave you with this famous quote "What doesnt kill you… only makes you stronger" and trust me when you are stronger… nothing… and i mean it nothing will ever stand in your way.

PS: Happy Easter… and one quarter of the year has come and gone. Lets make the rest 3/4 of the year a memorable one.

April 2nd 10.44pm

Currently drunk… currently blur. Did you know that sometimes something which you have dreamt your whole life, hoped your whole life, and worked your whole life can be taken away in 3 days of madness & and totally on the spur of the moment. I have been thinking on my characther of Dr Jekyll & Mr Hyde and the evil side has just resurfaced for a few moments of madness.

Remember a few weeks ago, i mentioned about loyalty and sacrfices. It is all worth it? I spoke to an ol fren this afternoon and he has emphasized how i have lived up to my full potential that he was so proud of me. I was ashamed to tell him that i have let him down, i have let my friends down, i have let my family down. I have allowed emotions to overcome logic. and now do i regret it? maybe abit… maybe not at all?

Anyhow… some of you would in the next few days know that I am moving on and leaving. I have given up something for something else. Lets just say i hope another dream comes true after i have given up on another dream. I can only hope. i can only pray.

-We hope, we wish, we pray but whether anytime becomes a reality, we will never know …. Annymous"